Category Archives: Grief, Death, and Dying

Passion for the Pain of Depression

05 Wednesday Dec 2018

Posted by in Church, Grief, Death, and Dying, Liturgy, Worship

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Disclaimers

  1. I am not a counselor. I am a chemist. But I have also been to graduate school and lost a child, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and a dear brother-in-law. So my perspective includes the hell of intense pressure and the pain of intense loss.
  2. A discussion on depression is best held in dialog, but this is a blog. Comment streams and late night blog binging is no substitute for face-to-face conversation, comfort, and warm hugs. Consider this blog post a remote hug, but find a real hug from a real person, soon and often.hug
  3. This is not a ToDo List. In my opinion, giving a ToDo List to a person suffering from depression is futile. I do offer some things to explore, though.
  4. Lastly, my views on this topic offer a Christian perspective. I know of no other perspective that gives the hope that the Christian perspective offers. Please don’t run off if you are skeptical of the Christian truth claims. See if you think there is any wisdom in my perspective. Eat the meat and spit out the bones.

My Observations

Depression is not just “feeling sad”.

I remember in 10th grade health class, the teacher was discussing barbiturates, alcohol, and other drugs classified as depressants. I thought depressed meant sad, so I couldn’t imagine why you would take a drug that makes you sad?!?!

Obviously, I was wrong. The depressant part meant specifically that it depressed the central nervous system. Some are general like alcohol, and others are quite specific like some anti-anxiety drugs.

This is as far as I can go as a physical chemist. Pharmacology simply has too many variables for me to conceive or to model.

I’m reluctant to list the symptoms of depression because you may be like me. Seeing the list causes me to feel many of the symptoms. But if you must, here they are.

Instead of a list, here is a humorous story that illustrates the point. One of my students, several years ago, came to my office hours after missing class.

He said, “Dr. Williams, I have a problem.”
“What is it?”, I asked.
“My givashit is broke.”, he said.
“Oh my! You have to get that fixed, immediately!”, I said as we both laughed.

We laugh, but we know that a broken givashit is not a laughing matter. It is sometimes a sign of depression or a panic coping mechanism. You simply cannot make a decision. And sometimes you don’t even care. You know this is a path that leads to destruction but you don’t give a ___ because your givashit is broken.

My Theoretical Musings

(My counseling colleagues are invited to correct or add to my musings in the comments section. Please contribute for the good of all!)

I have noticed that mental looping or stuck thoughts can break your ability to make a decision or to care about anything else. When I get stuck in an obsessive mental loop, I need something or someone to interrupt.

As a bona fide computer geek, I see the analogy of the operating system using interrupts to pause or to stop processes that are requesting CPU time. My Christian world view does not reduce the human brain to a CPU, but these analogies are still useful in my opinion.
You can’t get “into the machine” to stop a mental loop if you don’t have a reliable interrupt.

(Spoiler Alert: Music is a reliable interrupt system giving access to the parts of the mind that are “below” the looping executive and anxiety functions. Hence, music therapy.  )

How Do I…

  • Fix a broken givashit?
  • Stop obsessing about my obsessing about what I am obsessing about?
  • Break out of my negative mental loops?
  • Find a path out of this dull darkness of my soul?

This is a call to explore, not a self-help ToDo List.

A Passive, Intrusive, and Spiritual Path

The trail I’m hoping you will explore is passive, intrusive, and spiritual. You are able to “let it run”, passively receiving rather than actively giving. My suggestion is intrusive to interrupt the mental looping. It is spiritual because this is not a mechanical problem.

My suggestion is based upon my personal experience.

Daily Liturgical Worship

Daily liturgical worship is passive, intrusive, and spiritual.

Daily liturgical worship can be passive as the example below will illustrate. It can move to become more active over time, which is an amazing transformation. But start passively, one step at a time.

Daily liturgical worship is filled with simple melodies and singable tunes that echo in the mind all day allowing beneficial mental loops to interrupt negative and unwanted mental loops.

Daily liturgical worship is spiritual providing spoken and sung scripture with spoken and sung prayers that eventually become a part of your mental furniture.

Modern Christian practice (not just modern worship, but modern unscripted prayer, and modern “what does it mean to me” Bible study) has left us with no structure or form. It feels like there are no comforting chairs to sit in, no desks to study in, and perhaps no boundaries or walls to our spiritual imaginations. This is not freedom. This is lostness. These structures and pieces of furniture take time to build, but WE don’t have to build them. Jesus is the carpenter, and He uses his Word to build these holy places in our soul.

What IS Daily Liturgical Worship?

The early Christians continued the Jewish practice of reciting prayers and Scripture during certain hours of the day, which means this practice goes back over 2000 years.

How can this be a passive practice? Well… with Amazon Prime, you can download the CPH Album Evening and Morning: The Music of Lutheran Daily Prayer.
CPH-daily-prayer

I have listened to Morning Prayer, Evening Prayer, and Compline on my phone nearly every day since June 2018. I have interspersed Matins, Vespers, and the Litany on special occasions or when I felt like it.

Are you worried by the word Lutheran?  Don’t be. These readings, Scripture, and tunes go back to pre-Lutheran, pre-Eastern Orthodox, and even pre-Roman times. The Lutheran part of this is the compilation of these ancient services into the Lutheran Service Book published by CPH.

You can listen to these services passively when commuting, when anxiety strikes, when you want to pray but don’t know how or what to pray, when waking, when lying in bed before sleep, when you are praying for sleep to come, and when you are seeking the will to get out of bed.

Not now, but down the road as your motivation returns, this worship can transform over time from passive to active practice. Get a copy of the LSB from CPH and follow along when motivation strikes. But don’t force it at first. Just listen to the love and encouragement that Morning, Evening, and Compline Worship brings.

An unexpected benefit to your personal private consumption of this eternal beauty will be when you run across a congregation that is using elements of these worship services. Your soul will soar as you hear and participate with others in these ancient readings and songs. I’m sure you will be amazed when you find patches of this fabric of worship in Lutheran, Episcopal, Methodist, Presbyterian, Roman Catholic, and even Eastern Orthodox services. It always catches me by surprise when I visit a friend’s church and find some ancient tune, song, chant, prayer, or reading that is common among our different traditions.

The interrupts are effective. The simple melodies of these selections of daily liturgical worship are from a bygone era. Some are quite ancient. All of them are capable of comforting you throughout the busy day. I find my mind humming them often during mental downtimes at work. Their haunting tunes are comforting to me. Their ancient origin connects me to the past and the text gives me hope for the future.

This is most important:
Daily Liturgical Worship is Spiritual.

Jesus, the carpenter of our souls tells us,

“God is Spirit and those who worship Him must worship in Spirit and in truth.” (John 4:24)

And Jesus prays to the Father on our behalf, asking Him to

“Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.” (John 17:17)

These rituals of daily worship are almost 100% Scripture – using truth to worship Truth. They contain the spirit-filled proclamations of Mary (Luke 1:46-55), Zechariah (Luke 1:68-79), and Simeon (Luke 2:29-32) and many ancient prayers of the church.

The Whole Point

The whole point of this blog post is captured at the end of the Song of Zechariah:

“In the tender compassion of our God,
The dawn from on high shall break upon us;
To shine on those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death;
And to guide our feet into the way of peace.”

Meditate on that. Are you in darkness? Are you in the shadow of death?
I know you are because we ALL are. We ALL need Jesus to guide our feet into the way of peace.

I pray that the daily practice of worship and prayer will help Jesus guide your feet as it helps Him guide my feet. These wonderful, beautiful, and healing words bathe my soul daily.

Closing Analogy

Does this get old? Does the novelty wear off? Of course it does. How could novelty not wear off? What did you expect?

This practice is more like bathing than swimming. Swimming is recreational and novel. Bathing is often mundane and necessary, but it is also refreshing and life-giving.

catbath

We (many of us) bathe daily. Why not worship daily?

Let us invite the passion of the living and active Word (Heb 4:12) to renew our minds, daily. Hear what Paul says:

“Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” [Romans 12:2a CSB]

Hear what Jesus says:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” [Matthew 11:28-30 ESV]

Hear what Paul says, again:

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).

We pray.

Be present, merciful God, and protect us through the hours of this night, so that we who are wearied by the changes and chances of life may find our rest in You; through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen. [from Compline]

Love to you all!

Darren

Check out my musings on Morning Prayer, next.

For more on my background, read what I believe and why and visit my About Page.

Welcome SHSU SSA Members

16 Thursday Nov 2017

Posted by in Campus Apologetics, Grief, Death, and Dying, Historiography, Philosophy, Ratio Christi, Reality Blog

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ssa-logo

I was pleased to accept an invitation to address the SHSU Secular Student Alliance at their Nov 16th meeting.

For the students who I met there, I created this landing page for you in the event that you come to my blog seeking more information about my remarks.

Since I am a full-time Chemistry professor and not a full-time blogger, my posts are few and far between. And they are not a comprehensive treatment of the Christian religion. Still, I think they are useful and encouraging or I would not have written them.

I welcome your questions about anything I have written, preferably personally. Let’s have lunch at the South Paw. I’ll buy the first one. OK?

My main remarks were on What I believe and why I believe it.

I talked about Christianity being the best description of reality – the way things REALLY are. No doubt this is a curious claim.

I discussed evidence outside of Christianity that corroborates the main points in the life of Jesus.

You may have incorrect thoughts about what the word ‘faith’ means within a Biblical framework. This series of posts at the Ratio Christi at SHSU blog should help you understand that there is No Such Thing as Blind Faith.

If I had to predict what tomorrow’s questions will be, I’d choose the following:

  1. The Problem of Evil and Suffering. (Video 1 and Video 2)
  2. Moral Issues
  3. Science Issues (The Big Bang and Fine Tuning)
  4. Philosophical Questions (Contingency and Ontology)
  5. Biblical Questions (What is the Bible? The Story in the Bible. Literary Styles in the Bible. The Bible as Meditation Literature. and The Use of Narrative Passages in the Bible.)
  6. Specific Questions about Biblical Passages (Go to the Bible Project to see an OVERVIEW OF EVERY BOOK OF THE BIBLE. Their work is masterful!)

None of this will matter if you are unable to entertain the idea that you might be wrong in your assumptions. Yes, that cuts both ways. I’m okay with that.

Are you?

God bless you for making it this far.

-DW

The club no one wants to join

20 Thursday Jul 2017

Posted by in Grief, Death, and Dying

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The club of those who have lost a husband, wife, child, parent, loved one…

My sister shared this post on Facebook, and it was good. I hope you will be comforted by it. I have blogged about this here, here, and here.

KCB.PJB

What to Say When Someone Dies, By Laura Munson

No one really knows what to say to someone when their loved one dies. You can say, “You’re in my thoughts and prayers,” and maybe that’s true. Maybe you actually know what to think or pray on that person’s behalf. Personally, I’m never sure.

…Laura gives some great advice, and then she copies a letter into her blog that she wrote to her friend…

Hello, beautiful. I am thinking of you non-stop. Thank you for calling on me to be in your circle at this impossible time. I am not afraid of this, so I’m glad you called me in. I will be there for you. The books you asked for should be there by the end of the week. I will write some of the points I made on the phone here, since you asked for them. If my words on the phone were helpful, it’s only because you are open to them. I truly hope they help. Here is what has helped me and some of the people I know who have been through deep loss:

  • First of all: Breathe. I mean it. That’s your most important tool to stay in the present, out of fear, and to sustain yourself. You will find yourself holding your breath. Try to stay aware of your breath no matter what and keep breathing…in…out…in…out. Deeply if you can. Little sips when deep is too hard.

Read more… Reblogged from Huffington Post

I pray that you will reach the peaceful place that only comes from Christ. May he bless you and keep you and give you peace.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [John 14:27 ESV]

-Darren

Diagnosis Grief is Okay

26 Friday May 2017

Posted by in Grief, Death, and Dying

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6:50 AM – After morning hugs, I’m headed out the door to work.

She says, “How about Mexican for lunch? El Gordo’s?”

“Yes! Text me when you are ready to head that way.”, I say on my way out.

I love their El Pastor Quesadillas!

9:53 AM – Stomach growls. I eat the daily 10AM yogurt snack, and think of El Gordo’s.

11:02 AM – Still feeling snackish. I tell myself to wait. El Gordo is coming, and I can save up my hunger for the chips and salsa.

11:35 AM – It is officially early lunch time and the best time to leave work to beat the crowd to lunch. I pick up my phone to text her when it buzzes in my hand.

“Let’s save money and just eat a salad instead.”

clip-nooooo-300x276

Noooooooooo!

I’m not sure about you, but I dial my taste buds into a certain flavor, and they can anticipate the goodness of it all for hours beforehand.

I can also be terribly disappointed at a change of plans once my taste buds have been set to a certain desire.

This is a microscopic example of the pain that comes from unmet expectations.

Most of our pain and grief comes from unmet expectations.

Let’s dive into the deep end of the pool, now.

Diagnosis Grief

  • One year ago, my sister called and told me about Ken’s cancer diagnosis.
  • In December 2016, my friend Beth Primm received a cancer diagnosis.
  • A few weeks ago, one of my Pastors received a cancer diagnosis.
  • And on and on and on…

Walking through these life-changing events with my friends and family, I have noticed a profound sense of grief following the diagnosis.

It is different than fear. Sure, fear is part of it, especially surrounding the severe treatment options of chemo, radiation, and surgery.

It is most assuredly grief.

One thing to note, here. I’m talking about Christians who are confident that death is a doorway to a restored body and soul in communion with Christ forever. Death is not the end of our “dash” as seen on a tombstone.

I have noticed, though, that the comfort of Christian hope can trigger an unnecessary layer of guilt.

I repeat, feeling guilty for grief is unnecessary.

Back to my silly lunch example.

I had set myself up with legitimate expectations. I was looking forward to lunch, to chips and salsa, and to delicious pork and pico. There’s nothing wrong with that.

When plans changed, I was legitimately sad. I won’t say grieved, because it was just lunch.

But when it comes to life – the life we expected – we grieve because we have lost something precious. It’s OK.

We wanted to see grandkids, nieces, and nephews graduate. We wanted to finish that book. We had planned to _______________________________________________________. The list is endless.

As Christians, we are not grieving the loss of life because life is not lost.

Instead, we grieve the loss of events.

It’s okay to grieve.

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced what has become known as the “five stages of grief”.  They are:

  1. Denial – This cannot be happening to me.
  2. Anger – Why is this happening to me? This should not be happening to me. Why is God doing this to me? Why would God allow this to happen to me?
  3. Bargaining – What can I do; what prayer can I pray; how can I pray; who can I get to pray; how many can I get to pray so that this won’t happen to me?
  4. Depression – I just do not care. At all. I’m done.
  5. Acceptance – Okay.

This is not a linear timetable. You can not put these steps on the calendar.

They pop up in asynchronous order, and each person is different.

Personally, I have flipped between anger and acceptance on a minute by minute basis like a flashing traffic light.

Knowing about these DOES help, though. It helps because it let’s us know that our emotional roller coaster is NORMAL.

Do not beat yourself up for being angry. And don’t beat anyone else up in your anger. 😉

Even the bargaining stage is not cause for guilt. Run to your Father in prayer. Jesus himself prayed all night long in the Garden of Gethsemane with tears and sweat.

[Mat 26:37-39 HCSB] 37 Taking along Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. 38 Then He said to them, “My soul is swallowed up in sorrow — to the point of death. Remain here and stay awake with Me.” 39 Going a little farther, He fell facedown and prayed, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”

My point here is not to give a comprehensive post on the grieving process.

My point is to prevent you from adding a debilitating layer of guilt on top of the grieving process.

Let the Lord open your eyes to the experiences he is giving you on a daily basis in this beautiful creation with your lovely loved ones.

Shut down the “monkey brain” that chatters 24-7 about unrealized expectations.

Don’t let the inner voice fuss at you saying, “You are a Christian. You shouldn’t feel depressed. You shouldn’t be angry with God! You shouldn’t bargain with God. ”

These are lies. God can handle our emotional ups and downs. Take them to the Lord in prayer.

[Psa 6:6-7 HCSB] 6 I am weary from my groaning; with my tears I dampen my pillow and drench my bed every night.  7 My eyes are swollen from grief; they grow old because of all my enemies.

In context, David was running for his life from enemies with swords. Still, it is comforting to call an enemy an enemy. We have cancerous enemies. We have mental enemies accusing us of guilt for feeling sad. We can pray many of the prayers of David and receive the comfort that he received.

The Path Forward

Here is a short list of perspectives and actions that have helped me over the past few years.

  1. Thank the Father for the hope we have in Christ. This is the Big Picture.
  2. Relish the miniscule moments of happiness. This is the small picture.
    The unexpected phone call/text; an encouraging email; the song of a bird; the splash of a fountain; the touch of a loved one; the smile of a stranger; familiar hymns; favorite songs; the list is infinite in every moment. “[Psa 119:18 HCSB] 18 Open my eyes so that I may contemplate wonderful things from Your instruction.”
  3. Give yourself as much grace as Christ gave you. Don’t put on your neck a yoke of EMOTIONAL PERFECTION that Christ does not require. “[Eph 2:8 HCSB] 8 For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift.”

It was okay to miss my El Pastor Quesadillas. And it is okay to grieve over the unrealized expectations of future plans. But by God’s grace may he open our eyes to the blessings that attend a different path.

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you on every different path.

Darren

The Cross

23 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by in Campus Apologetics, Grief, Death, and Dying, Ratio Christi, Reality Blog

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The Cross of Jesus is discussed in Chapters 19-21 of Greg Koukl’s book (The Story of Reality). (If you are new to this series, check out the first post and the intervening posts to put this in context.)

Read Chapter 19 before going further. It walks through the footsteps of Jesus’ life and sets the stage for the following Bible passages.

During his life Jesus mentioned the cross often. His death on the cross was not unexpected by him. In fact, he made it obvious that self-sacrifice is expected by all of his followers.

440px-Texas_sparky

But put yourself in the disciples’ sandals for a moment. If your spiritual leader kept referring to the electric chair wouldn’t it make you uneasy? Being in Huntsville, we are very familiar with “Old Sparky” – the electric chair that was used in the Huntsville (Walls) Unit from 1924 to 1964 to execute 361 individuals. If the electric chair makes you queasy, then the cross should make you faint.

Jesus points his disciples to the cross

34 And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. [Mark 8:34 ESV]

23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. [Luke 9:23 ESV]

24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. [Matthew 16:24 ESV]

38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. [Matthew 10:38 ESV]

27 Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. [Luke 14:27 ESV]

After three years in ministry tension grows in Jerusalem. Ignoring his disciples’ pleas to avoid Jerusalem, Jesus “set his face” toward what was in front of him. (Luke 9:51)

Jesus dies on the cross

17 and he went out, bearing his own cross, to the place called The Place of a Skull, which in Aramaic is called Golgotha. … 19 Pilate also wrote an inscription and put it on the cross. It read, “Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews.”  [John 19:17, 19  ESV]

39 And those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads 40 and saying, “You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself! If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross.” … 42 “He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. [Matthew 27:39-40, 42 ESV]

30 save yourself, and come down from the cross!” … 32 Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross that we may see and believe.” Those who were crucified with him also reviled him. [Mark 15:30, 32 ESV]

31 Since it was the day of Preparation, and so that the bodies would not remain on the cross on the Sabbath (for that Sabbath was a high day), the Jews asked Pilate that their legs might be broken and that they might be taken away. 32 So the soldiers came and broke the legs of the first, and of the other who had been crucified with him. 33 But when they came to Jesus and saw that he was already dead, they did not break his legs. 34 But one of the soldiers pierced his side with a spear, and at once there came out blood and water. … 36 For these things took place that the Scripture might be fulfilled: “Not one of his bones will be broken.” 37 And again another Scripture says, “They will look on him whom they have pierced.” [John 19:31-34, 36-37 ESV]

Read more here about the gruesome torture of crucifixion.  Even Cicero recoiled at the thought.

But the executioner, the veiling of heads, and the very word ‘cross,’ let them all be far removed from not only the bodies of Roman citizens but even from their thoughts, their eyes, and their ears. [Cicero, 106-43BC, Pro Rabirio Postump]

And today, the cross is a piece of jewelry. Amazing.

What would you think of a bunch of people who wore silver and gold electric chair charms on necklaces, or had electric chairs emblazoned on t-shirts and hats with catchy Bible verses? That would be so strange and weird. Right? Yet we seem to rejoice in the disgusting, horrific, and agonizing cross.

Why?

The work of the cross

The cross is offensive to the Jewish leaders who demanded obedience to rules and ordinances.

“But if I, brothers, still preach circumcision, why am I still being persecuted? In that case the offense of the cross has been removed.” [Galatians 5:11 ESV]

Christ sent Paul:

“to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power. For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” [1 Corinthians 1:17-18 ESV]

Paul boasted exclusively in the cross of Jesus! What?!

But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. [Galatians 6:14 ESV]

He himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. [Ephesians 2:14-16 ESV]

5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. [Philippians 2:5-8 ESV]

19 For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. 21 And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, 22 he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, … [Colossians 1:19-22 ESV]

13 And you, who were dead in your trespasses …, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, 14 by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. [Colossians 2:13-14 ESV]

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [Hebrews 12:1-2 ESV]

The Scripture suggests that something significant happened on the cross.

  • Reconciliation
  • Cancelling of debt
  • Restoration of peace
  • New way for us to become holy, blameless, and beyond reproach

Nowhere else in history do Evil, Justice, Love, and Forgiveness converge but on the cross of Jesus Christ. [Ravi Zacharias]

The Evil we have done and the Evil done to innocent Jesus;

The perfect Justice pronounced by the Father;

The unparalleled Love Jesus displayed by drinking that cup willingly;

The unbelievable Forgiveness that is offered to us;

These converge on the cross – the horrific and beautiful cross.

 

Love to you all,

Darren

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Time, Distance, Shielding

21 Saturday Jan 2017

Posted by in Grief, Death, and Dying

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[copied from Rallyhood 1/21/2017 – on the passing of Kenneth Brown]

When working with nuclear weapons, nuclear reactors, or even medical X-rays, there is a guiding principle that will keep you alive. You are to keep your exposure “As Low As Reasonably Achievable (ALARA) with three tools:

  • Time – Spend as little time as possible with the radiation source.
  • Distance – Keep your distance from the source of radiation.
  • Shielding – Protect yourself with a shield.

We have spent most of the last year interacting with each other on this Rallyhood site dedicated to the wonderful life of Ken Brown. We have encouraged Patti and have received encouragement from Patti, Ken, and each other.

Many have mentioned their amazement at Patti and Ken’s strength in all of this. However, when you compliment their strength to them, they seem to demur. Why?

I’m not privy to their inner thoughts, but it is likely because they see their inner struggles. But I also know that they are aware of this important fact:

Their strength stems from their shielding, not from their self-made inner fortitude.

[Ephesians 6:16 ESV] 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;

Today is the celebration service for Ken in Austin. I am looking forward to meeting more of his colleagues in the UT Business School, his neighbors, and many of you face to face rather than over the Internet.

We will share great stories and memories and it will be wonderful and subtly melancholy. I have one story though that I want to share in writing so that all may read it and gain comfort by it.

I had the privilege of visiting with Ken a day or two before he and Patti entered hospice care.

Without going into too many medical details, Ken had lost the ability to speak and swallow. Antibiotics were keeping pneumonia at bay. Without the ability to speak we were worried that Ken would not be able to communicate any worries to us if we made the decision to enter hospice care.

It was decided that I would visit with Ken. I was to explain to him what was going on with his swallowing. I wanted to walk him through the next steps. And I wanted very much for him to communicate back to me that he understood.

Using all the information from Dr. Annapureddi, Patti, and the nurses, I let Ken know that he would become more and more sleepy as his breathing became less and less efficient. I let him know that this was not going to be painful or distressful. And then knowing Ken’s faith, I said that in a few days he was going to go to sleep and wake up with Jesus.

Words can’t contain the emotional impact of staring your brother in the eye while you say these things.

I still needed to know if he understood, and most importantly for Patti and all of us, if he was ready.

So I said, “If you are ready, please squeeze my hand”.

I was worried that I would confuse a tremor for a squeeze. I did not want to pass on to Patti a tentative signal, and I did not want to be tempted to say it was a clear signal when it wasn’t.

Ken left no doubt. I was holding his left hand, and he reached over with his right hand. He grabbed my arm and squeezed as hard as he could.

We blinked a knowing blink at each other, and then we hugged for a long time.

Ken’s “shield of faith” was strong and we are right to have hope.

We saw a similar faith and hope on display when King David lost a child.

[2 Samuel 12:21-23 HCSB] 21 His servants asked him, “What did you just do? While the baby was alive, you fasted and wept, but when he died, you got up and ate food.”  22 He answered, “While the baby was alive, I fasted and wept because I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let him live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I’ll go to him, but he will never return to me.”

“I will go to him” – that is the hope we have in Christ.

Teaching on a secular campus, I am sensitive to the discomfort that “Bible talk” can cause. To use the radiation analogy, some people spend as little time with it and like to keep their distance from it if possible.

(If this is you, please keep reading out of curiosity if nothing else.)

The Bible can be confusing, especially if one has a culturally-confused view of God as a grumpy tyrant watching your every move in order to kill you if you step out of line.

Let me ask you to place a different vision in your mind – one where God’s holiness shines like the sun.

The Sun is a furnace of nuclear fusion. You can’t get near it without suffering a lethal dose of radiation.

All of the troubling verses and the great themes of the Bible make sense in light of this analogy. God is holy. You are not, and you know it. That is why you protect yourself with ALARA. Remember:

  • Time – Spend as little time as possible with God – the source of holiness
  • Distance – Keep your distance from God
  • Shielding – Protect yourself with a shield.

Notice shielding is the only way to get close to a radiation source, and it is the only way to get close to God. But what is shielding in this spiritual context?

 

We don’t have to keep our DISTANCE from God’s holiness, or minimize our TIME interacting with a holy God, because Jesus Christ is our SHIELDING, protecting us in the presence of holiness.

[Galatians 3:27 ESV] 27 For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.

Like a lead blanket in the dentist’s chair.

[Romans 13:12-14 ESV] 12 The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. 13 Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. 14 But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.

Who is this Jesus? (External evidence for his life.)

[John 1:1-14 ESV] 9 The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. … 16 … from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.

In the context of our analogy, this grace John speaks of is the shielding. Christ’s holiness surrounds us, protects us, and over time changes us – covering our sin and making us holy. We may now spend all our TIME at zero DISTANCE from God thanks to the SHIELDING holiness of Christ.

Ken has this shielding, and he is experiencing the indescribable holiness of God. It is my deepest desire that we (including you) would join him.

By God’s grace,

Darren

My thoughts on the impact of Ken’s life and death: Double Bounce

Double Bounce

09 Friday Dec 2016

Posted by in Grief, Death, and Dying

≈ 3 Comments

Adrenaline rushed as I peered straight down past my socked feet at the trampoline far below. I told him I did not want to be double-bounced, but ignoring my pleas he placed all his weight on his size 13 foot and stretched the canvas taut. There’s no stopping physics, I thought.

This week, the double-bounce came to mind in the most unexpected way. You see, we have spent 191 days praying for, rooting for, and grieving for Kenneth Brown – my brother-in-law – who was taken from us recently by brain cancer. Ken was 61. He went before us and he went too soon.

We all grieve for different reasons because our connections to Ken are different. However, one common trait will be missed by all – his encouragement. If you had the privilege of reading posts on the Rallyhood site that Patti established, you have seen that he encouraged everyone, not just his brother-in-law.

I grieve also because I have no answers to the why questions.

I’m a professor and a Christian Apologist with Ratio Christi. I’m supposed to have answers. I don’t.

But I do have some “what ifs…”

What if there were really two problems with death and suffering? What if we were able to separate the logical from the emotional?

We might be able to accept the logical probability that God would have morally sufficient reasons for his inscrutable will. Just as the new mother has morally sufficient reasons to allow sweet nurses in cartoony scrubs to jab three long needles into her 1-month-old newborn baby in order to protect that baby from hepatitis, pertussis, polio, pneumococcus, rotavirus, diphtheria, and tetanus. The cold and calculating logic of the mom, the nurses, and the doctor is inscrutable to the newborn.

The newborn is seeing mom, sweet nurses, and a brightly colored room. Then POW in both thighs, and POW again in one thigh. Ow, ow, OWWW! This sensation has NEVER been felt before. What has happened? WHAT has happened! Why am I hurting?

There are no answers to the infant’s emotional and physical pain. Only the comfort of loved ones over time will help.

As I consider my own thoughts on the loss of Ken, I am hesitant. I despise answers that do more harm than good. I don’t want to give thoughtlessly chosen Bible verses, that treat internal bleeding with a Band Aid. Rather, I am digging deeply for my own sake, hoping what helps me will help others.

We want our lives to be significant. As followers of Christ, we want God to use us to His glory by empowering us to love our neighbors as ourselves. We want God to use our lives to impact others.

There is evidence from the Rallyhood that God DID use Ken’s life to impact others. There’s evidence from my family, my high school days, college days, and the many days afterward that God has used Patti’s life to beautifully impact others. Even I have been told by some students that God has used me in their lives. So, mission accomplished. Right?

Not so fast.

We had such great plans. A few years ago, Patti had chosen to give back to the future generation of business students by teaching accounting at The University. Just last year, Ken joined her and taught at UT for the full academic year. It was time to pour his international tax and business strategy knowledge into the next generation. What a God-glorifying thing to do, to step down from a long career with EY to teach.

The reason a double-bounce is so frightful is because the trampoline canvas is pre-stretched by someone much heavier than you. When you land, they release their weight, and the springs shoot you up much higher than you could ever go with just your own weight. You feel the intense pressure on your legs as you began to rocket upwards. Your hang time is epic and this gives you your first hint of excitement. The view from the high point is only available because of the double-bounce, and it blossoms into a full-blown thrill.

What if…

It is clear from the Bible that Jesus wants to use our LIVES to serve others. “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me.”, Jesus said. And in addition to loving God, he says we should, “Love our neighbors as ourselves.” (Mat 25:32, 22:39) But what if he wants also to use our death?

It is the most painful question that can be asked. But it is a valid “what if”.

Lazarus (Jn 11:1ff), the widow’s son at Nain (Lu 7:11ff), Stephen (Acts 22:20), and Jesus himself (Rom 10:6-9) had meaningful deaths in addition to meaningful lives.

It appears to have been just as painful then as it is now. Many wept over their deaths, and even Jesus cried out for another way. He knew his death was required. He BEGGED for another way. Mat 26:36-44)

And just like us, he was told, “No” through silence.

What if, like the double-bounce, Ken stretched the canvas tight by going first. What if the weight of his influence and his POTENTIAL to impact the lives of future students and others is now placed in the canvas waiting for us to land?

  • Will we feel the rush of purpose that he gives us as we launch out of this pit that we are in?
  • Will we have a longer hang-time and a greater influence as we carry his encouragement skills with us?
  • Will the height that we achieve, launched so frightfully by his death, give us a higher perspective than our own weight would have given?

I think so.

Let us comfort each other as we experience the intense pressure of grief.

And let us encourage each other as we launch higher than we thought possible.

By God’s grace,

Darren

For those visual persons here is a Video Version of this Blog Post.

My summary thoughts on Ken’s passing: Time, Distance, Shielding

Miscellany

Trampoline Tricks: https://youtu.be/XG9tjRNvd0s (< an amazing athlete)

Double Bouncing: https://youtu.be/C75Uk4F5OyU?t=3m9s (< Image credit)